Well, This Was a Shock

And I don’t even know why it would be. It shouldn’t be surprising to me but it was. Gave me some ouchies in my feels (to use the parlance of a younger generation.)

With all of the events over the last several weeks I realized that deep-down somewhere inside me was still the assumption that my X and I would be able to make things work and we’d figure it all out and live happily ever after.

What a fucking moronic thing to do on my part.

Especially because I’ve descended to another level of grieving over it. Who knew there was going to be multiple levels of loss that needed to be accounted for and dealt with?

There’s an upside though. Light is dawning on the what’s and the why’s. Some of the questions I had are being answered. Reinforcement of some of my beliefs are taking place. So, that’s good.

Here’s another bad though (and I don’t have the time or the willingness to flesh this out properly, I’m such a bad writer sometimes.) It’s almost like someone took a great big razor and just cut my physical existence out of my kids and her life. Sure, I’m paying for everything. I mean literally everything. But unless I reach out to make things happen there’s…nothing and that doesn’t seem to bother them.

I know that’s not reality but that’s how it feels. So that’s a little bit of reality, isn’t it?

Apparently this is another leg on this journey. It doesn’t feel very good though. However, the fact that I can feel again feels pretty good. I didn’t realize that I was numb until I wasn’t numb anymore. Which doesn’t bode well because there is significant potential that this will suuuuck.

Fuck it, I’m not scared. Lets do this. Bring on the pain. I embrace it and face it now or it stunts and inhibits my relationships and growth moving forward. It’s better to be a vulnerable man able to feel than it is to be emotionally hard and callous and protected. Or at least, that’s what makes sense to me right now.

Either way, merrily we begin and merrily we will journey.

It’s Over

This is going to end up being a rant/pontification/whatever. I should probably break it up into multiple posts since I am likely to address different topics but screw that, I’m going to do it my way. I’m planning on writing until I run out of steam which may or may not be a while. Bear with me…or not. Your call.

So I spent the weekend with the ex again at the final tourney of the season. Some big takeaways from it.

1. I don’t miss all of the physical ailments that must be accounted for and accommodated. I know I sound like an asshole here but I’ve never met anyone as physically infirm as her that wasn’t actually sick. Yes, there are some honest to goodness underlying conditions but for fuck sake I don’t think it’s possible to have anymore headaches, tiredness, or gut issues unless you were dying.
2. I still don’t understand why she has to share her opinion as a preface for arguing about every little damn thing. I swear that nothing I do or so meets her approval. Which then requires the obligatory comment as bait for an argument. She doesn’t even know that she does it. I don’t think it’s intentional. I think it’s just that she wants her opinion to be known and she runs off the assumption that her way is the correct way. This even goes into such trivialities as the order in which we prepare to leave.
3. The overall angriness for unknown reasons and especially the morning “Being a Fucking Bitch,” (which I didn’t say,) isn’t my thing anymore. I finally had enough of it after asking my son what she was mad at and he responded with a shrug. So, I expressed to her reasonably that “it is obvious that you’re upset about something but your behavior is making everyone uncomfortable,” was met with a challenge and a response of “everyone or just you (sneer?)” Not wanting to drop dimes on my kid (who was obviously not enjoying her behavior either,) I simply told her that I wasn’t going to argue with her but I didn’t deserve to be treated like that. Yet again, I’ll take the heat and save it from potentially being directed at my kids.
4. The overall coldness and lack of any compunction to try and be pleasant (at least that I could see,) for the short duration of the time was irritating.

My point here is that I’m glad I’m done dealing with her about this. For a long time and in a lot of ways I questioned whether I was wrong about things or whether or not she was the one who was just fucked up.

It’s much more clear that she’s the one fucked up about an awful lot. How did I put up with that behavior for so long? Why did I put up with it?

I have an answer for both of those questions. I was afraid of or didn’t quite know how to handle the loss of her. I realized I wasn’t staying with her because I wanted to. I was with her because I was more afraid of losing her. (Obviously there are more factors than that but as it relates to purely her and I and my feelings towards her, that’s it.)

I also know where that comes from (hello damage done during formative childhood years.)

It’s almost like I got the Willy Wonka Golden Ticket when I realized it all. –I didn’t love her. It’s just that I was afraid of losing her.–

It sounds sad and pathetic to write but that’s me judging myself. Which isn’t helpful.

Somehow and some way she still has a hold on me though since I found myself doing things to try and make her life easier even though she both didn’t deserve it and also didn’t want it. Things like: carry the chairs as we go from field to field. Grab her a coffee made the way she likes as I got mine in the morning while she was still asleep. Try and pick a suitable restaurant based on her preference rather than mine.

All these things seem like reasonable human being concepts (and they are,) but there’s more to it in the context of our “relationship.”

All told, I’m glad I don’t have to spend very much time with her for a while. I’m tired of always being wrong and also doing whatever it was I was doing (I still have zero idea,) that upset her. Or maybe I didn’t upset her but she was just upset about something. The fact that I don’t know why she was upset and yet was forced to bear the brunt of it seems to be a problem, no?

Lastly, yes, I did have a heart to heart talk with my son. Not as Father to Son but as older and wiser man to younger man. It was important that he needed to hear it. I didn’t care that she got mad. Didn’t then and still don’t. There were things he needed to hear and learn and he understood where it was coming from.

Of course she didn’t. ……I”m out of steam in bitching about her.

I’m not perfect. Far from it. Never claimed to be. But fuck if I’m going to always be the bad guy still. It’s unfortunate that she still has several years before she truly has to bear the brunt of her behavior. It’s several years still that she’s sheltered from the world and how difficult it is. She could learn a lot in three years but unfortunately I’m still enabling her bad behavior by virtue of paying for her life.

I really wish she’d listen sometimes. It might help her to recognize that sometimes, I’m right.

I Spent the Weekend With My Ex

But it’s not what you think.

Youngest son (the Lacrosse player,) had a tournament that the Ex finally wanted to come along for. Because we’re still “friends,” and because it just made everything more of a hassle we all spent the weekend together. Meals, games, sleeping, travelling, etc.

It was a reminder on the very important things that were why we aren’t together anymore.

I also realized some things about myself as well.

Her:

For fuck sakes does she like to argue still. About stupid shit. It’s even more irritating when it’s an irrelevant thing or when I know that I’m right. I still don’t know where it comes from but it’s really annoying.

She is stubborn to the point of potentially putting herself in danger. 60 second vehicle ride to drop her off at the hotel but instead she wanted to be let out right then and there and walk through some sketchy areas. I really, really think that she’s naieve enough that she doesn’t realize how much I actually protect(ed,) her from the dangers of the world. I say that in just about every imaginable capacity.

She must have input into every decision. “Why does he have to be awake at such and such time?” “Why do we have to leave so early?” That kind of thing. Not knowing or realizing (or likely caring,) that I’ve already given thought as to why we are doing these things. (We’re up because he has to eat. We have to leave so early because the parking is a shit-show and unless you want to later bitch about how far away we are we need to leave 5-10 minutes before you think we do.)

Me:

I somehow still feel the need to protect her. Even though I knew she was going to kvetch about it, I still used my umbrella to keep her from potentially walking out in front of parking lot traffic that may have hit her. I still carried extra stuff to make her life easier. I still try to be helpful to her to show my appreciation. None of it really was appreciated and resulted in her bitching more because I did “xxx.”

I really do try and find the angle and the most efficient way of doing things. It pans out most of the time and even my son commented on how he noticed. That was nice to hear.

I’m pretty fucking lonely and starved for her appreciation still. That was disappointing to realize.

Side note: I’m not desperate for sex. That’s helpful in navigating this as that was the one power she had over me. I wasn’t going anywhere else and so was solely dependent on her.

Not anymore.

Especially because I have been receiving very positive feedback from several ladies I’ve had interactions with (that isn’t code for anything.)

I’m also going to start hitting the gym again next week. I need to.

Then I need to not give a fuck anymore. So, there’s that.

Things I Really Don’t Like

In no particular order than how it pops into my cranial space:

-Those random spiderwebs that you can’t see but hit you in the face as you are walking.

-Gas pumps where I have to push eighteen buttons and it wakes between four seconds and an hour to process

-Self-checkouts at the grocery store

-People who can’t or simply won’t use the Oxford comma.

-How I am genetically predisposed to having a sweaty lower back before any other part of my body.

-How honest conversations are immediately considered rude sometimes.

-When my bedsheets tangle one of my legs

-When I drop something and go to pick it up and drop or spill the other thing that I’m carrying.

-How dirty other people’s houses are sometimes.

-When it’s time for a road trip but there are those last two stops that have to be done before you can get on the road.

What about you? What are some relatively trivial annoyances that don’t have much affect upon you but are decidedly irritating?

I Had a Date with My Ex

No, not really. Got your attention though, didn’t it?

Although I did end up spending the whole day with her but it’s not what you think.

It’s the time of year when graduation open houses are happening and it doesn’t make sense for us to drive separately. So, we piled everyone up into my truck and we made our rounds.

It was actually a good time. For the first time in a long time I felt as if I could begin to be myself. No pressure. No lingering resentment. No expectations from or given.

The familiarity was certainly a plus. Not that it was run-of-the mill but more like the fact that I knew she was going to have to pee right about a certain point on our drive. So I pulled the truck off the highway and when she asked me where I was going I said “you probably have to pee, right?” Nailed it. I also knew she probably wasn’t going to say anything because she knows I like to just get where we are going. Nailed that too.

Dare I say I enjoyed myself?

**Authors Note** Don’t misconstrue what I am saying towards me moving back in a direction towards a romantic relationship with her. I’m just expressing my delight and a modicum of surprise that yesterday went about as perfectly as it could have.

One Month In

I’ve purposefully not written in a month. I wanted to see how I was going to process it all as well as get fully settled.

It’s been…interesting…around here.

First, I guess because I wasn’t paying attention I was unaware of the number of women that flirt with me. In the space of a month there have been about a half-dozen women that decided to boldly try and “shoot their shot,” now that I’m fully and officially single. Completely unexpected. I’m flattered but I don’t think I like it. It’s just…weird…is the best way to put it.

Apparently good hygiene, a good job, relative intelligence and a sense of humor and, dare I say, decent looks and fashion sense aren’t in large supply at this point. The last time I dated was the late 90’s and I didn’t have this problem.

Now, I’m having to try and extricate myself from conversations that are somewhat uncomfortable without being rude. I wonder if this is how most single women feel?

I’ve discovered that I really, really have to keep my place clean and tidy. It’s critical for my self-care at this point. I just can’t abide messes and clutter (it’s mostly just me here,) so it isn’t that hard to keep up on it. However, it is also keeping me out of trouble too since there are some brazen women running around.

Most problematic is my neighbor, I think. Single mom, late 30’s, three younger kids. She’s nice and she’s funny. Her kids aren’t a bother other than they probably are desperate for a male role model. I made the mistake of joining her for a couple drinks one Saturday night on her porch and since then I think she got a case of “the feels.” It didn’t help that one drink turned into a couple and we ended up sleeping together. Fuuuuuuuuuck…..that’s not what I wanted. I don’t think it’s who she is either but apparently I am totally “her type,” and I am “sexy as fuck.” (her words, not mine.)

I think she’s really lonely and even though I made myself as clear as I possibly could that I wasn’t going to get into any sort of relationship, I think she’s hoping.

I definitely screwed up on that one. I knew nothing good could come from it but after a couple of cocktails and some flattery and flirtation from a willing woman I lost what little sense I had.

Still trying to sort this out but I can see that I am going to have to really just not even talk to any of these women. It’s been so long since I’ve felt desirable and been complimented that it’s nice to hear. But it’s trouble and it’s keeping me from focusing on what I have to do.

The nice part is that my libido still remains pretty low so I’m not searching it out. The problem is that because I don’t care it seems like it’s coming to me.

Sonofabitch, I don’t know what to do about that.

Infected

Apologies for not writing recently. Lots of business to attend to on my end. I’m confirmed as being able to take possession of the place this week.

I also am confirmed as having the ‘vid. (That deserves a post on its own though.) So, I’m not sure how I’m going to manage them both. I guess I just go and sign the paperwork, quarantine be damned. Maybe this makes me a horrible person, I’m not sure.

If you’re worried about me, I’m going to be fine. I’m in no danger of death. It’s nothing I’m concerned with. I’ve had colds and hangovers that were far, far worse than this thing.

My kids have it as well. Shitshow.

But I wanted to keep you in the loop.

It’s Almost Time

I actually like the apartment. I like it enough, anyway. There’s a little bit of excitement in starting anew. It’s been a mess, lately but you’ve helped make it easier. Not in a productive way.

Some big changes internally though. I don’t find her attractive anymore. I don’t care about hearing what she thinks or her opinions. The thought of accommodating her seems bothersome.

I don’t have any interest in sex. My libido is non-existent. I’ve never experienced that before. I didn’t think that could happen to me but here I am. More uncharted territory. It’s convenient though. Easier this way.

There’s nothing to discuss except what we need to discuss and all of a sudden you’re taking it hard. Is that remorse or sadness showing through? Isn’t that convenient. Where was that during the times that it would have mattered? Why are you so surprised at the coldness of my voice and verse?

What did you expect? I don’t care enough to be surprised. If I did I might be. This is the inevitable turn that you helped to create.

I am done with this and I am done with you. Everything that could have been is now nothing and less than nothing.

There isn’t even room for sadness anymore.

Whoopsie-Daisies

So, I failed to take the off-ramp to the high road Sunday evening.

I let my anger slip a little and by a little I mean I was angrier than I ever recall being in my entire life. I just let it rip.

It’s not funny nor am I proud of it, but the sheer ferocity of my fury was actually impressive. Ok, it’s a little funny in a very macabre sort of way.

It’s also embarrassing though. I’m a little disappointed in myself.

It was a long time coming and the pot finally boiled over. Not cool, man.

I’m not going to beat myself up over this though. I’m not proud of it and all I did was likely make things difficult for myself because her hypocrisy holds no bounds. She unknowingly suffers from an acute lack of self-awareness and gratitude but that was already a known quantity.

I knew better and, although she was the catalyst for this, my response was solely my doing.

So, I’m going to stand back up and dust myself off. Hold my head level and start walking my path again.

We all make mistakes and we all fail from time to time. It’s not something to be proud of nor is it something to beat ourselves up about.

I tell you what though, my new place can’t become available soon enough.

P.S. It’s interesting to note that Zugg has been expressing his displeasure at the things he has been observing. That puts me in the precarious and difficult position of listening and validating him while trying very hard to not bash or demean his mother. Even though he seems to be calling it exactly right.

Anyone Else Bitchy?

I don’t think it’s just the nicotine withdrawal either.

I think it’s just that there’s a great big pig-pile of unfinished and unaddressed nonsense that we’re supposed to choke down and smile about. (Keep a stiff upper lip, ‘ol Son.)

Yes, I’m talking about the China Coof, I’m talking about the politics and lockdowns. I’m talking about the racial issues and the economic ones too. I’m talking about all of it.

Plus, the normal everyday problems people have as well that random Tuesday at 4pm phone call that is the one we REALLY should be worried about.

As the cherry on top, it’s all inescapable. There’s nothing that I, personally, can do about any of it. I’m trapped. We’re trapped. Multiple times over.

For me, escape is fleeting and the inevitable reminder keeps getting worse at harshing my mellow. But, I’m too damn stubborn to submit to it long term.

Todays forecast ? Mostly brooding with a side of bitchy. Tonight is looking like partly quiet and a 20% chance of Scotch.

Who knew the one good thing to come out of all of this was an ability to control the weather?