I was recently made aware that there are apparently “life-coaches,” that purport to help women win back over their husbands as the marriage fails. Why was I so surprised that this existed?
I’m all too aware of the multitude of works and authors and “stuff,” available for men but it never occurred to me that there would be similar that was available to women as well. Of course there would be a market for it.
A hasty search revealed a voluminous amount of information available for women to regain or keep their marriages with their husbands. Out of curiosity I quickly perused a couple and the information was about what I expected. Don’t read that statement into my thinking it’s a negative, just that it consisted of what I expected it would.
It just got me wondering if my ex had taken the time or effort to do any research or work on this? I’m willing to admit that it’s possible and I didn’t see it but really I think that I didn’t see it because there wasn’t all that much effort and therefore wasn’t anything to see.
To this I go back to something I realized a while ago and that’s: “If what you are trying to communicate to your partner isn’t being heard then that’s generally on the speaker and not the listener.”
[Before someone comes at me with the torches and pitchforks they need to understand I am speaking about a reasonable situation with reasonable people who want to come to a reasonable solution. Yes, there are people who are so blinded and clueless or in denial that nothing will penetrate their cranium. (Who knows, maybe I’m actually one of them.)]
What I mean by this is that any effort I saw given was so short lived that I could never get past the knowledge or belief that it simply wasn’t going to last. I’m talking three days of effort, max. This isn’t to say that she didn’t try harder and longer than that, I don’t know. But if she did that proves my point from earlier that for communication to be heard by the listener it has to be delivered in a method and way that they are able to understand.
I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and drop it always did. Always. Inevitably there’d be the roller coaster of emotion that began something like:
Why didn’t she try? If she did, why didn’t she do so in a manner that I could understand? (I had given her the answers to the test, after all.) Did she not see me for me? Did she not want to understand? Does she even love me anymore?
Those questions could only be answered by other questions that led me lower and lower:
Am I not worthy of being understood? Am I not good enough to be loved? Am I too ugly or unattractive to her? Are the things she is saying about me true? Am I really that bad? How could someone want to stay with a horrible person like me? Do I deserve this?
Which got my dander up a bit and it was anger and stubbornness that lifted me from the depths of depression. I’m fairly certain that’s not healthy. Effective but likely counterproductive.
Along with the life-coach was a discovery of a Reddit sub called “Dead Bedrooms.” I’ve recently posted about Reddit and don’t want to go further along that anymore. What is absolutely unbelievable to me was to hear stories of women lamenting the fact that their male SO doesn’t want any sort of intimacy with them. Not purely sexual although that’s the overwhelming story.
I can’t relate to that.
If anything, for me it was the opposite. I don’t feel like digressing here as I’ve touched on this topic a couple of times. My point being, I cannot in any way comprehend a woman having this problem. More specifically, I can’t comprehend my woman having this problem. It’s not about the sex. It’s about someone putting in the work to try and feel close to me in the same manner that I’m trying to do the same.
I feel like I’m whining. Not because I’m doing a poor job of expressing some vulnerability here but because I feel like I’m being negative. It’s just that I don’t have anywhere to unpack and repack this. So you, Dear Reader, get to see a part of me that nobody else does.
On an ironic note, apparently I’m an Incel for now. I just discovered this is a thing and although I meet the practical definition of it, don’t parlay that into thinking I meet the cultural one.
I just think it’s funny to say.