So, interestingly, the amount of women that all of a sudden seem to be flirting or showing interest is surprisingly high. I’m admitting to perhaps misreading their signals, but the ones I’m referencing are all ensuring that I know they are single at some point in our conversation so I don’t think I’m way off-base here.
I’m not advertising my relationship status other than not wearing a wedding ring, but I’m not hiding it either if/when it comes up in conversation. It’s an odd feeling and if I’m being completely honest, it makes me feel good. Especially because these are somewhat attractive women who are showing all of the signals of being attracted to me and wanting to get to know me better. Some of their questions are surprisingly bold and are inquiries into intimate parts of my previous marriage much faster than I would have expected to have come up. (I’m not sure how comfortable I am talking about them. It still seems like I’m sharing more about my X than is proper. Almost like a breach of trust. I wonder what that’s all about?)
I’m sure there is a whole host of dynamics that would come into play should I desire any sort of relationship other than as an acquaintance, and I can’t help but have my mind wander briefly down than that path as we converse. They all seem normal, intelligent, non-trainwreck women. However, I also get a feeling they are somewhat lonely and desperate. Perhaps I’m misinterpreting confidence or some other positive emotional aspect of their psyche for desperation, but I just don’t think so.
I think I hit onto something previously when I talked about the probable internal emotional dynamics of single women in their 40’s. They are faced with the prospect of being single for the rest of their lives and find themselves in competition with women a decade or so younger than they are for the same small pool of GM and it scares them into a reality check. Or rather, it should scare them into a reality check. Their primary currency was their beauty and access to sex. At forty their beauty is fading and I am making a big leap here (beware, completely unproven theory ahead) and going to guess that they are going to be much more liberal with their usage of their sexuality in order to land a man. I say this for several reasons:
- I’m thinking that the ratio based on the number of available GM/Women is grossly skewed in that there are far more women than GM. Every woman can offer sex but not every available man is a relationship material GM, ergo, the GM will have many more women available to him than women will have GM available to her.
- There is an assumption that she has matured and is much more comfortable with her sexuality. It’s highly unlikely to find a virgin in the late 30’s or 40’s (If you are still holding out for the right man and for marriage then I commend you. It’s honorable and wonderful but I’m wondering if your standards aren’t just a bit too high? Think about it.) and although there is supposed to be some emotional attachment and discernment into who you sleep with, it’s assumed to not be as big a deal as when you were closer to having kept your maidenhood.
- It’s still your primary bait in your effort to snag a mate. It’s basically the only thing that a man can’t get for himself (you know what I mean, don’t nitpick my words.) It’s worked for you in the past so why wouldn’t it work in the future?
For me, and it’s admittedly a new development but, it feels as if I have the power in the relationship dynamics. I don’t think I can quite articulate it better than it feels as if I get to make all the decisions from here on out. I am the prize so now I get to make the rules. I can be very particular about who I spend my valuable time and resources on. So, perhaps my opinion is self-reinforcing but my belief that early twenty-something women have the power by virtue of having a pussy and forty-something men (good and decent men specifically,) have the power simply by being relationship material seems to be validated.
Solely for research purposes (ok, not totally true…I’m browsing but with no intention to buy,) I wandered on back to a popular on-line dating site and again, it appears some of my hypothesis’ are validated.
As an example, I present exhibit A. She’s thirty-nine and based on her picture is a high 6/10 at best. Here is her unedited (other than location,) summary with my comments after:
Okkkkay. Born in xxxxxx before it was cool. Live in xxxxxx. I’m a hairstylist- I love to make people look good!! I’m a Mommy to 2 little spoiled-brat furbebes. I love men who love to cook, shop, dance & lipsync. I recently started liking sports. I wish I could act. I love an outgoing fun-ny guy. ..who likes to give massages, go to antique shows- binge netflix, takes pride in his appearance..Must dig my chihuahuas!
- Overall grammatic style is that of someone who posts frequently on social media. Already there are concerns about inflated self-worth and entitlement.
- So, she’s a hairstylist which means she makes about $40-45k at the extreme top end of her pay grade with very minimal opportunity for increase. This also means she works an irregular schedule that includes many nights and weekends (my X is an extremely talented hair stylist, so I know more about hair and make-up than any straight man should.)
- She likely doesn’t have kids as exhibited by a lack of mentioning them as well as the way she refers to her pets. Which makes me wonder if it was by her choice or the fact that nobody would make a family with her? As in, she wasn’t ever wife material to someone?
- The cutesy and novel spelling of “furbaby,” suggests that she is way off her rocker in regards to putting those animals on pedestals. Definitely has a serious case of what I am now coining as Barren Womb Syndrome (BWS.) I.E. An unfulfilled maternal drive has caused her to lose her mind.
- She wants men who do the things she wants to do. It seems like she expects it. She still thinks that her beauty and her pussy is going to drive men crazy so that they are at her beck and call. She doesn’t have to do anything other than allow them to entertain her or throw them a token lay every now and then. Which, of course, they should just shut-up and be thankful for.
- She doesn’t provide any description of what she brings to the table or why any sane man would choose to be with her. What does she have to offer other than an expectation that her needs be met by men?
- All in all, although there are always going to be men who will do anything to get laid, she’s absolutely the type to piss and moan about how there aren’t any GM out there anymore. When in reality any GM is going to look at all of the options that appear to be available and leave her to wallow in her entitlement and selfishness.
Exhibit B: 35 years old and never married. No kids referenced and based on the picture it doesn’t appear that she has any. Attractive with a nice figure but nothing physically remarkable to make her stand out from all of the other attractive women out there. Plus, the picture is of her in full make-up and a little black cocktail dress with ample cleavage so, there is certainly some false advertising. Also, and although I commend her for trying to put her best foot forward, any knowledgeable man is going to know that this is not her normal look. (Or at least, I hope its not her normal look because that would bring about a whole other level of pain in the ass high maintenance.) My take on her picture is that its also a signal that she is likely not interested in a humble man with a humble job. The way she presents herself and given her age I get the impression that she’s still waiting for that McDreamy or McSteamy to swoop in and save her.
Her unedited summary and my analysis:
I have a great sense of humor and would like to meet a gentlemen who know’s how to treat a lady! I’m open for just about anything!
- Although she thinks she has a great sense of humor, what else does she have to offer? I’m sorry ladies, but by and large you aren’t particularly funny to men.
- I am assuming part of treating a lady is doting on her and spending money on her? To be thirty-five, attractive, and never-married tells me that she either spent much of her dating life spending time with the wrong type of man or she has the false sense of entitlement when it comes to the qualities that her man *must* have. Alternative option is that the drama she brings to the table turned any GM off that she did manage to date or enter into a relationship with.
- The accumulation of details surrounding her combined with her last sentence tells me that she isn’t done “having fun,” yet. Which means that she has probably slept around. Which, as a GM, does not make me want to “wife her up.”
- Last but not least, my opinion is that she has probably “friend-zoned,” a decent number of GM. Which, in her case, is where all the GM have gone.
I wish to add a couple more points of advice for women out there:
- Stop using the damn filter to hide your face and eyes. I want to know what you look like and what I’m going to be seeing as I look over my coffee cup in the morning. The first dozen times I saw that stuff it was amusing. Now, it’s boring.
- Make sure you smile. I’ve been bitched at and seen the look of disappointment on a womans face when I’ve let her down (fairly or not,) enough in my life that I don’t need to already know what your pissed off face looks like. I’ve spent the past few years walking on eggshells due to a poor temper, I’m not going to do it anymore. If you’re lucky I’ll tell you to “Fuck Off,” but I’m more likely to just ignore you and walk away, never to return. Which means you’d have missed your shot at an available (eventually,) GM. As an added bonus I get to see your teeth and you look more attractive.
- At least make an effort to look attractive. Certainly, your attitude may be “if he doesn’t appreciate me for me then screw him.” It’s absolutely logical and I get it. I feel the same way. However, the initial decision to even possibly consider finding out more about you is solely based on your appearance. Going back to an economic principal here, I know that the qualities I possess are going to be in high demand in the relationship market. I can avoid to be choosy about who gets my attention. Disregard me here at your peril and if you do then I hope you’re prepared to spend a lot of time alone or in the company of the type of you guy you should likely be avoiding rather than attracting.
Last, I realize I’m deviating from exploring the depths of my soul as I try and put my life back together post-divorce. The reality is, today I feel like I’m in a pretty good place with it all. I have yet to not be “OK,” with my decision. I suspect its because it took me so long to reach this point and all of the agonizing over this decision is over. Or at least, I selfishly hope it’s over.
The X and I are, by and large, getting along smashingly. As expected, she’s having periods of time where she realizes how much she fucked herself on this. When/if she hits the dating market it’s possibly going to be worse. I feel a little bad for her about that. I also still feel bad for her that she’s losing the life that she “loves.” (her words.) I still feel bad for my kids and grandkid that they’re going to be going through some pain. Those feelings I don’t like. Those feelings aren’t something I’m hiding from, its just that they aren’t painfully overwhelming as of late. I’m sure those will come back with a vengeance once our lives are completely seperate.
As it regards to the X though, I have a hard time feeling too awfully bad for her since she made the choice (consciously or not,) to act the way she chose to act. As I’ve said, you can’t treat your husband (or wife,) poorly for very long and not expect it to have an effect on your marriage.
I never cheated. I never spent money discussing it with her. I didn’t have secret addictions or things I refused to share. I am a great Dad although in hindsight there’s things I could have done better, but I tried. I worked my ass off and sacrificed in an effort to provide for my family. By all accounts, I’m in the top 10% of earners for my geographic region ($150k a year when the median income is $52k,) and I’m not a workaholic either. Overall I tried to be as emotionally supportive and compassionate as I could. I’m emotionally stable and dependable. I’m intelligent and not prone to laziness. I’m handy and like to cook. Although I have no issues with household chores, in full disclosure I could have been better with this. I am physically affectionate and attentive and quite proficient both in the sack and at backrubs. I am or was liberal in my efforts to remind her that I loved her (including saying the words,) and greeted her every day with a kiss, hug, and genuine desire to find out about her day. I frequently complimented her because I knew she struggled with self-esteem and…well…because she actually was beautiful and smart and I was proud of how hard she worked at things. I don’t get jealous and actually encouraged her to go and have fun with her friends. I’m masculine and not in danger of being “too nice,” or a pushover in anyway. I’m still in somewhat good shape and there are no doubts of my ability to protect those I love. But wait there’s more….I’m willing to consider that I may be blissfully ignorant due to sheer arrogance, but I am pretty damn sure I know what I bring to the table as it regards to a male/female relationship. I also believe that I am first round draft pick when it comes to what women my age (or younger, ha!) are looking for in a partner. Again, I’m willing to consider that I’m ignorantly arrogant (arrogantly ignorant?) with a skewed self-image. I don’t think that’s the case, but I’m willing to consider it.
Something I read on-line somewhere sort-of sticks in my mind. The gist of it was that a woman was bitching about her husband for something that was relatively trivial. As in, he wasn’t especially open with his feelings and he didn’t want to go to the theater with her sort of trivial (I don’t know if this was it, but the shallowness of her complaint resonated some.) It was bothering her enough that she was considering divorcing him even though they had kids. She admitted that he loved his family, worked hard for them, and wasn’t afraid to pitch-in around the house with cooking/cleaning/etc. He also tried to make her feel special but it wasn’t often enough compared to what she wanted. The response from several women in the comments was a mixture of condemnation and amazement.
To the point that one commenter said something along the lines of “Your husband is honest, hardworking, loving, and genuinely cares for you and you’re going to divorce him over XXXXx?!? Are you crazy or selfish or both? Let me know when you’re done with him I’d like to take him off your hands.”
So that’s where I’m at now. My X is done with me (or I suspect more precisely I’m done with giving her a shot at me,) and now I focus on being the best me I can be. I have the power. I’m not Piggy but I do have the Conch. Which is why I know I’m not going to end up worried about spending the rest of my life alone.