This is going to end up being a rant/pontification/whatever. I should probably break it up into multiple posts since I am likely to address different topics but screw that, I’m going to do it my way. I’m planning on writing until I run out of steam which may or may not be a while. Bear with me…or not. Your call.
So I spent the weekend with the ex again at the final tourney of the season. Some big takeaways from it.
- I don’t miss all of the physical ailments that must be accounted for and accommodated. I know I sound like an asshole here but I’ve never met anyone as physically infirm as her that wasn’t actually sick. Yes, there are some honest to goodness underlying conditions but for fuck sake I don’t think it’s possible to have anymore headaches, tiredness, or gut issues unless you were dying.
- I still don’t understand why she has to share her opinion as a preface for arguing about every little damn thing. I swear that nothing I do or so meets her approval. Which then requires the obligatory comment as bait for an argument. She doesn’t even know that she does it. I don’t think it’s intentional. I think it’s just that she wants her opinion to be known and she runs off the assumption that her way is the correct way. This even goes into such trivialities as the order in which we prepare to leave.
- The overall angriness for unknown reasons and especially the morning “Being a Fucking Bitch,” (which I didn’t say,) isn’t my thing anymore. I finally had enough of it after asking my son what she was mad at and he responded with a shrug. So, I expressed to her reasonably that “it is obvious that you’re upset about something but your behavior is making everyone uncomfortable,” was met with a challenge and a response of “everyone or just you (sneer?)” Not wanting to drop dimes on my kid (who was obviously not enjoying her behavior either,) I simply told her that I wasn’t going to argue with her but I didn’t deserve to be treated like that. Yet again, I’ll take the heat and save it from potentially being directed at my kids.
- The overall coldness and lack of any compunction to try and be pleasant (at least that I could see,) for the short duration of the time was irritating.
My point here is that I’m glad I’m done dealing with her about this. For a long time and in a lot of ways I questioned whether I was wrong about things or whether or not she was the one who was just fucked up.
It’s much more clear that she’s the one fucked up about an awful lot. How did I put up with that behavior for so long? Why did I put up with it?
I have an answer for both of those questions. I was afraid of or didn’t quite know how to handle the loss of her. I realized I wasn’t staying with her because I wanted to. I was with her because I was more afraid of losing her. (Obviously there are more factors than that but as it relates to purely her and I and my feelings towards her, that’s it.)
I also know where that comes from (hello damage done during formative childhood years.)
It’s almost like I got the Willy Wonka Golden Ticket when I realized it all. –I didn’t love her. It’s just that I was afraid of losing her.–
It sounds sad and pathetic to write but that’s me judging myself. Which isn’t helpful.
Somehow and some way she still has a hold on me though since I found myself doing things to try and make her life easier even though she both didn’t deserve it and also didn’t want it. Things like: carry the chairs as we go from field to field. Grab her a coffee made the way she likes as I got mine in the morning while she was still asleep. Try and pick a suitable restaurant based on her preference rather than mine.
All these things seem like reasonable human being concepts (and they are,) but there’s more to it in the context of our “relationship.”
All told, I’m glad I don’t have to spend very much time with her for a while. I’m tired of always being wrong and also doing whatever it was I was doing (I still have zero idea,) that upset her. Or maybe I didn’t upset her but she was just upset about something. The fact that I don’t know why she was upset and yet was forced to bear the brunt of it seems to be a problem, no?
Lastly, yes, I did have a heart to heart talk with my son. Not as Father to Son but as older and wiser man to younger man. It was important that he needed to hear it. I didn’t care that she got mad. Didn’t then and still don’t. There were things he needed to hear and learn and he understood where it was coming from.
Of course she didn’t. ……I”m out of steam in bitching about her.
I’m not perfect. Far from it. Never claimed to be. But fuck if I’m going to always be the bad guy still. It’s unfortunate that she still has several years before she truly has to bear the brunt of her behavior. It’s several years still that she’s sheltered from the world and how difficult it is. She could learn a lot in three years but unfortunately I’m still enabling her bad behavior by virtue of paying for her life.
I really wish she’d listen sometimes. It might help her to recognize that sometimes, I’m right.