Random Stream of Consciousness

Big changes are coming. Exciting, but scary.

I should write more. It’s therapeutic and cathartic. I don’t know exactly how to spell “cathartic.” I think that’s right. A dictionary would tell me but that’s too much “clicking.”

I’m a creature of habit. I need to get back to the healthier habits. When I move, I’ll get the gym back up and running. Really that’s just a procrastination to not start working out again. I’ll overcome this resistance.

Today was a really nice day. It’s odd that the first warm, sunny, and pleasant day where I didn’t have other obligations had me taking a drive with the windows down and the music up. It reminds me of that video of the Swedish cows finally getting to go outside and how excited they are. That’s a nice video, makes me happy to see their pure and unadulterated joy.

Interesting that the root word of “unadulterated,” is “adult.” Which means if something has been “adulterated,” its been filtered for acceptance. I don’t know if that the actual definition, but it makes sense that it’d be something along those lines. That’s kinda sad, that we artificially put a barrier on things like our reaction to joy. Our ability to find mim and whimsy. I wish that I could find or allow myself more joy and an unabashed willingness to express it. I don’t think that’s possible though. Too much…stuff is in the way. Makes me a little sad.

But today was a really nice day. Cleaned out the truck. Vacuumed it…well, actually I had a helper that I paid $10 to vacuum it. Gotta be honest that I feel like I might be a cheapskate for a Grandpa. Next time it’s $20. And ice cream. Because I can.

Either way, cleaning my truck (especially the back glass since it’s hard to get to,) had been on my list for quite a while. I mean, it has been winter but that’s not the point. I was looking forward to getting it done and I did. It made me happy.

I wonder if there’s a correlation between the accomplishment of that task (however trivial really,) and my mood and motivation? Or was it the sunshine and warm weather? Could it be both?

I’m glad that I write this just for myself. I wonder if anyone is even interested in what I have to say? Not that it matters. I don’t have to “find my voice,” as a writer. As usual, I’m not worried about followers or views. It is odd that what is essentially my journal or diary is totally public for the world. Thinking back to what journals and diaries were when I was a child, who would have thunk it?

What is my purpose?

I think this question is the cause of a significant amount of angst that I feel. The source of my unfulfillment.

Up to this point in my life, to a greater or lesser extent, I had a purpose. A goal. A task to complete.

Now, I’m adrift.

Divorced and all of my children are moved out and beginning their own lives. It’s wonderful for them and I’m happy and proud to help as I’m able. But that’s them.

It’s just…me.

I don’t have a problem with blazing my own path. Being alone isn’t a problem. I’ve been more or less alone my whole life. I’m comfortable there.

It’s the lack of purpose that is bugging me. The world is my oyster but nothing cries out to me.

Although I’m doing just fine, pouring myself into my work to make more money doesn’t have any appeal. I’ve achieved everything I ever really set out to accomplish (other than folding fitted sheets, it’s the only thing I’ve ever “failed,” at.)

So…now what?